This is my TOK essay. I need an IB Expert! I want my ideas to stay the same and my examples too, I just need to improve it and increase my grade from IB 3 to IB 5-6.
this is some of the feedback my teacher gave me:
Your other point of view in history is vague. It mixes the audience’s pursuit and the view of historians, which is confusing, and it is quite the superficial example.
“the researchers could have just based their findings in its context, centralizing on how the outcome of the experiment generally reflected human behavior” There are two things here that do not help your essay. 1) ‘could have’, which means you are not sure, and do not provide evidence to back it up, and 2) ‘centralizing on how the outcome…’. This is unclear , and I do not understand what would be centralised. It is unclear how doubt is central, or not central, here.
You also give two statements after this that are not backed up. There is a serious lack of in-text citations throughout.
In the human sciences, you also discuss how it may have caused the virus to spread more quickly. Don’t guess or describe. Find evidence and prove it.
Your use of ‘centralisation’ is also still not clear at times, confusing the answer to the PT.
It just comes across as you misusing the definition of central. You are not consistent with the definition, and as such use it loosely, which is confusing. The ending, through this, is also vague.
The discussion is connected to the title, but loosely so. There are links to the AOKs, but examples at times are superficial, or hypothetical, which you want to avoid.
There is a lack of in-text citations and evidence, making the discussion largely descriptive. Arguments are offered, but due to the unclear usage of central, examples aligned with it are also vague, and do not help effectively defending your point. It is underdeveloped, superficial at times, and with limited outcomes. A clear definition in the beginning that you stick to would have helped out the essay as a whole.
IB grade: 3
I want the essay to sound as I wrote it. Use the same language and form of speaking
Attached Files (PDF/DOCX): TOK ESSAY.pdf
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